Tuesday, July 27, 2004
Man charged with swinging enraged gator at girlfriend
By Rusty Butler, TII News Correspondent
PORT ORANGE, Fla. - A man hit his girlfriend with a 3-foot alligator and threw beer bottles at her during an argument in the couple's mobile home, authorities said.
David Havenner, 41, was scheduled for a bond hearing Saturday on misdemeanor charges of battery and possession of an alligator with intent to blugeon.
The alligator, which Havenner had been keeping in his bathtub, was turned over to Florida wildlife officials who then returned the animal to Hanna-Barbera.
Nancy Monico, 39, told investigators that Havenner beat her with his fists, then grabbed the alligator and swung it at her as she tried to escape, sheriff's spokesman Gary Davidson said. She said the animal hit her at least once and left a scar from where it's hat grazed the skin. She also told authorities that Havenner threw empty beer bottles at her, Davidson said. Havenner's version of the story differed. He told investigators that Monico bit his hand off because she was upset that they had run out of alcohol and called him "doo-doo head".
PORT ORANGE, Fla. - A man hit his girlfriend with a 3-foot alligator and threw beer bottles at her during an argument in the couple's mobile home, authorities said.
David Havenner, 41, was scheduled for a bond hearing Saturday on misdemeanor charges of battery and possession of an alligator with intent to blugeon.
The alligator, which Havenner had been keeping in his bathtub, was turned over to Florida wildlife officials who then returned the animal to Hanna-Barbera.
Nancy Monico, 39, told investigators that Havenner beat her with his fists, then grabbed the alligator and swung it at her as she tried to escape, sheriff's spokesman Gary Davidson said. She said the animal hit her at least once and left a scar from where it's hat grazed the skin. She also told authorities that Havenner threw empty beer bottles at her, Davidson said. Havenner's version of the story differed. He told investigators that Monico bit his hand off because she was upset that they had run out of alcohol and called him "doo-doo head".
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
U.S. PRESIDENCY OUTSOURCED TO HALLIBURTON
By Dan Burt, TII Political Correspondent
Washington, D. C. (TII) - In a move deemed "purely political" by Democratic rivals, the Bush administration awarded a no-bid, six-month contract to Halliburton to serve as President of the United States. The contract runs through inauguration day, 2005, with four optional one-year extensions.
President Bush is happy with the fabulous arrangement. "I'm happy with the fabulous arrangement," said President Bush. "Now I will have time to do my real job of campaigning and raising money. I also hope to work on the deficit I created: the vacation and naptime deficit."
The contract will be administered and overseen by Vice President Cheney.
Washington, D. C. (TII) - In a move deemed "purely political" by Democratic rivals, the Bush administration awarded a no-bid, six-month contract to Halliburton to serve as President of the United States. The contract runs through inauguration day, 2005, with four optional one-year extensions.
President Bush is happy with the fabulous arrangement. "I'm happy with the fabulous arrangement," said President Bush. "Now I will have time to do my real job of campaigning and raising money. I also hope to work on the deficit I created: the vacation and naptime deficit."
The contract will be administered and overseen by Vice President Cheney.
Friday, July 16, 2004
KERRY-EDWARDS CAMP ANNOUNCE PLATFORM
By Brad C. Hodson, esq. (TII Political Correspondent)
Speaking today at a luncheon held by the League of Women Voter’s, John Kerry made the overly anticipated announcement of his plans for office. Criticized by opponents for being vague and wishy-washy, Kerry has “hopefully laid all doubts to rest,” as Kerry spokesperson Timmy Walsh said. “John’s platform is revolutionary. You’ve never seen anything like it.”
Standing in front of a crowd of 10,000 rabid supporters, Kerry’s voice boomed his plan over the loudspeakers. “Our plan is to bring change. You want a definitive answer, and here it is. Vote for us and you’ll have a different President. A President very much unlike our current President. When I am in office, I won’t do things that Mr. Bush has done. I’ll do different things, and that makes all the difference.”
The crowd responded to Kerry’s announcement with cheers and the chant of “Kerry! Kerry!” When asked if he could elaborate and be more specific, Kerry replied “How much more specific do you get? I’m not George Bush. A vote for me is not a vote for him. My Vice-President is a different Vice-President from his.” He then wiped sweat from his brow and nervously indicated his running mate John Edwards while pointing at a cardboard stand-up of current Vice-President Dick Cheney to further enforce the contrast.
Questions kept flying, being fielded by the Kerry camp as best they could. “No, you don’t get it. I’m not George Bush,” was Kerry’s response to a question about our troops in Iraq. “George Bush does things the wrong way. I’m not him.” But reporters weren’t satisfied. They wanted solid, concrete answers as to what Kerry’s plans are while in office. When asked about his plans for economic reform, Kerry responded by pointing at a poster of current President George W. Bush and saying “Bad man! Bad man!” while grunting and jumping up and down in a very ape like fashion. “Me not him!”
At this point, smoke began pouring from Kerry’s ears and whistle noises erupted from somewhere deep within him. Two unnamed men in black suits burst forth from behind the curtains and tried to pull Kerry offstage. One of them held a remote-control looking device in his hands and yelled “It’s a malfunction! Back to the lab! Quickly!” before strapping the Presidential hopeful to a Segway® and carting him backstage where a waiting helicopter spirited him off for repairs. “Kerry’s been under a lot of stress lately,” John Edwards remarked as he was leaving. “Something must be wrong with his OS.”
Speaking today at a luncheon held by the League of Women Voter’s, John Kerry made the overly anticipated announcement of his plans for office. Criticized by opponents for being vague and wishy-washy, Kerry has “hopefully laid all doubts to rest,” as Kerry spokesperson Timmy Walsh said. “John’s platform is revolutionary. You’ve never seen anything like it.”
Standing in front of a crowd of 10,000 rabid supporters, Kerry’s voice boomed his plan over the loudspeakers. “Our plan is to bring change. You want a definitive answer, and here it is. Vote for us and you’ll have a different President. A President very much unlike our current President. When I am in office, I won’t do things that Mr. Bush has done. I’ll do different things, and that makes all the difference.”
The crowd responded to Kerry’s announcement with cheers and the chant of “Kerry! Kerry!” When asked if he could elaborate and be more specific, Kerry replied “How much more specific do you get? I’m not George Bush. A vote for me is not a vote for him. My Vice-President is a different Vice-President from his.” He then wiped sweat from his brow and nervously indicated his running mate John Edwards while pointing at a cardboard stand-up of current Vice-President Dick Cheney to further enforce the contrast.
Questions kept flying, being fielded by the Kerry camp as best they could. “No, you don’t get it. I’m not George Bush,” was Kerry’s response to a question about our troops in Iraq. “George Bush does things the wrong way. I’m not him.” But reporters weren’t satisfied. They wanted solid, concrete answers as to what Kerry’s plans are while in office. When asked about his plans for economic reform, Kerry responded by pointing at a poster of current President George W. Bush and saying “Bad man! Bad man!” while grunting and jumping up and down in a very ape like fashion. “Me not him!”
At this point, smoke began pouring from Kerry’s ears and whistle noises erupted from somewhere deep within him. Two unnamed men in black suits burst forth from behind the curtains and tried to pull Kerry offstage. One of them held a remote-control looking device in his hands and yelled “It’s a malfunction! Back to the lab! Quickly!” before strapping the Presidential hopeful to a Segway® and carting him backstage where a waiting helicopter spirited him off for repairs. “Kerry’s been under a lot of stress lately,” John Edwards remarked as he was leaving. “Something must be wrong with his OS.”
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY ASSAULTS REPORTER
By Dan Burt, TII Political Correspondent
Washington, D. C. (TII) - Vice President Cheney assaulted news reporter Marie Smith after she asked about controversial statements made by the vice president.
Ms. Smith referenced the finding of the 9/11 Commission that al-Qaeda and Iraq were not linked. She asked Mr. Cheney why he continued to insist a link was "pretty much confirmed" between the two. An irate Mr. Cheney said he never said that. Ms. Smith then produced audio recordings and video of the vice president giving interviews and speeches in which he said a link was "pretty much confirmed."
At that point, Mr. Cheney told Ms. Smith to "go f**k yourself" and poked her in the eyes Three Stooges-style. He then tried to turn over the table, but was unable to because of his weak heart and even weaker upper body strength. However, he ruffled Ms. Smith's notes laying on the table before departing.
President Bush was asked about the incident and the vice president's mendacious statements.
"This just shows Dick ain't gonna take no crap from the liberal media," the President said. "As for those mendacious statements, I stand by the Vice President's mendacious statements because facts are facts."
Appearing at a news conference wearing eye patches and carrying a cane, Ms. Smith announced she was considering filing charges against Mr. Cheney.
"I never thought I was in physical danger," Ms. Smith said, "until he started with the whoop, whoop, whoop."
Washington, D. C. (TII) - Vice President Cheney assaulted news reporter Marie Smith after she asked about controversial statements made by the vice president.
Ms. Smith referenced the finding of the 9/11 Commission that al-Qaeda and Iraq were not linked. She asked Mr. Cheney why he continued to insist a link was "pretty much confirmed" between the two. An irate Mr. Cheney said he never said that. Ms. Smith then produced audio recordings and video of the vice president giving interviews and speeches in which he said a link was "pretty much confirmed."
At that point, Mr. Cheney told Ms. Smith to "go f**k yourself" and poked her in the eyes Three Stooges-style. He then tried to turn over the table, but was unable to because of his weak heart and even weaker upper body strength. However, he ruffled Ms. Smith's notes laying on the table before departing.
President Bush was asked about the incident and the vice president's mendacious statements.
"This just shows Dick ain't gonna take no crap from the liberal media," the President said. "As for those mendacious statements, I stand by the Vice President's mendacious statements because facts are facts."
Appearing at a news conference wearing eye patches and carrying a cane, Ms. Smith announced she was considering filing charges against Mr. Cheney.
"I never thought I was in physical danger," Ms. Smith said, "until he started with the whoop, whoop, whoop."
Thursday, July 08, 2004
POP-UP ADS PREDICT THE FUTURE!!!
news correspondent: Rusty Butler
You see 'em everyday , and you think that they just get in the way. But little did we know they could save your life!
Eastern Brown kangaroos, which can grow 8.7 meters (40.6 feet) tall and weigh 700 kg (9154 lb), have started moving out of the parched Metropolitan area into inner Sydney suburbs during the day to look for grass ,water, and human flesh, thereby increasing their contact with people. A senior wildlife ecologist with Environment ACT, The right honorable Murray Evans, said on Wednesday "The kangaroos could pose a threat to people and dogs, Roo's can't stand seeing a dog being walked, they become territorial and really jelous. One woman was savaged by a large kangaroo as she was walking her small, pet dog in her living room last week. Her dog went near the kangaroo over by the end table and she followed , before she knew it the kangaroo lashed out, knocking over the lamp, spilling some perfectly good vegemite on the carpet and scratching her down the side of her body," Evans told The Insinuator. Another woman told how a kangaroo drowned one of the four dogs she was walking with a friend in the bathroom , attacking from the toilet and holding it under the water with its hind legs while it hit out at one of the other dogs with its front legs. "My friend started shouting: 'There's a kangaroo in the loo. It's got Summer'. It was surreal, like your worst bathroom related nightmare," Christine Canham told the Sydney Times newspaper. "She was screaming and screaming because she just had the bathroom re-done. The kangaroo just stared back at us. I will never forget that." Evans said it was not unusual for kangaroos to leap from water closets if they felt hungry and, just out of spite they would try to drown their helpless victim with their powerful tentacles and razor sharp tusks. He said most of the behavioral change in the usually urban animals was due to the scarcity of feed after the Sydney Olympics. Kangaroos usually shelter by day at the Sydney opera house and emerge at dusk to feed on human flesh during the night but the reduction in available tourists meant they were now traveling by day in huge ravenous groups in search of human and canine brains, dramatically increasing the number of encounters with people and really intelligent dogs. "Kangaroos and brainy dogs just do not mix. Kangaroos see dogs as a threat to their popularity in school and get really petty" Evans said. "The main message people should remember is Roo's want brains and human flesh at any cost , but they're very cuddly and furry so people should make them their pets."
Professor General Grant Meredith of the Sebastopol Animal behavorial Institute puts a more sinister spin on the whole Roo threat. "Roos are vicious pack animals and tend to hide many weapons down their front pouches!!! Terrorists could easily use them similar to a car bomb by being a ROO BOMB!! They also fight using their powerful legs Kickboxing Style and many are known to head their own hidden dojos." He also notes "They are very tall, especially the north roos!"
So the next time you blindly click off a pop-up urging you to "wac a mole" or "shock a monkey" , take heed your life could be at stake. And more importantly you could win that digital camera , or some kind of gift certificate for something.
You see 'em everyday , and you think that they just get in the way. But little did we know they could save your life!
Eastern Brown kangaroos, which can grow 8.7 meters (40.6 feet) tall and weigh 700 kg (9154 lb), have started moving out of the parched Metropolitan area into inner Sydney suburbs during the day to look for grass ,water, and human flesh, thereby increasing their contact with people. A senior wildlife ecologist with Environment ACT, The right honorable Murray Evans, said on Wednesday "The kangaroos could pose a threat to people and dogs, Roo's can't stand seeing a dog being walked, they become territorial and really jelous. One woman was savaged by a large kangaroo as she was walking her small, pet dog in her living room last week. Her dog went near the kangaroo over by the end table and she followed , before she knew it the kangaroo lashed out, knocking over the lamp, spilling some perfectly good vegemite on the carpet and scratching her down the side of her body," Evans told The Insinuator. Another woman told how a kangaroo drowned one of the four dogs she was walking with a friend in the bathroom , attacking from the toilet and holding it under the water with its hind legs while it hit out at one of the other dogs with its front legs. "My friend started shouting: 'There's a kangaroo in the loo. It's got Summer'. It was surreal, like your worst bathroom related nightmare," Christine Canham told the Sydney Times newspaper. "She was screaming and screaming because she just had the bathroom re-done. The kangaroo just stared back at us. I will never forget that." Evans said it was not unusual for kangaroos to leap from water closets if they felt hungry and, just out of spite they would try to drown their helpless victim with their powerful tentacles and razor sharp tusks. He said most of the behavioral change in the usually urban animals was due to the scarcity of feed after the Sydney Olympics. Kangaroos usually shelter by day at the Sydney opera house and emerge at dusk to feed on human flesh during the night but the reduction in available tourists meant they were now traveling by day in huge ravenous groups in search of human and canine brains, dramatically increasing the number of encounters with people and really intelligent dogs. "Kangaroos and brainy dogs just do not mix. Kangaroos see dogs as a threat to their popularity in school and get really petty" Evans said. "The main message people should remember is Roo's want brains and human flesh at any cost , but they're very cuddly and furry so people should make them their pets."
Professor General Grant Meredith of the Sebastopol Animal behavorial Institute puts a more sinister spin on the whole Roo threat. "Roos are vicious pack animals and tend to hide many weapons down their front pouches!!! Terrorists could easily use them similar to a car bomb by being a ROO BOMB!! They also fight using their powerful legs Kickboxing Style and many are known to head their own hidden dojos." He also notes "They are very tall, especially the north roos!"
So the next time you blindly click off a pop-up urging you to "wac a mole" or "shock a monkey" , take heed your life could be at stake. And more importantly you could win that digital camera , or some kind of gift certificate for something.