Monday, August 16, 2004
Monkey Ignites Toddler In New York City Supermarket
by Rusty Butler TII News Correspondent
NEW YORK -- A monkey trained to help a disabled man, and to take over the world burned a 2-year-old boy in a supermarket , authorities said.
The boy, Thomas Romano, was shopping with his grandparents at the Irregular Food store in Brooklyn on Monday when the monkey burned him on the arm. He was treated at a hospital and released.
The monkey's owner, Steven "Evil Overlord" Seidler, 45, said the animal attacked after little Romano shot at it with an intercontinental ballistic missile. Seidler is confined to a wheelchair and uses the monkey to help him open doors ,pick things up, and enslave the human race.
But Romano's grandmother, Helene "Ray" Romano, said the burning was unprovoked.
"I'm walking into the freakin' Irregular Food store, and the next thing I know, my freakin' grandson is like, 'Grandma, Grandma it freakin' burns!' And I'm looking around and I see freakin' lasers coming out of this monkey's freakin' eyes," she said.
It is illegal to keep monkeys as pets in New York City, but permits are given for those trained in domestic aid and world domination.
by Rusty Butler TII News Correspondent
NEW YORK -- A monkey trained to help a disabled man, and to take over the world burned a 2-year-old boy in a supermarket , authorities said.
The boy, Thomas Romano, was shopping with his grandparents at the Irregular Food store in Brooklyn on Monday when the monkey burned him on the arm. He was treated at a hospital and released.
The monkey's owner, Steven "Evil Overlord" Seidler, 45, said the animal attacked after little Romano shot at it with an intercontinental ballistic missile. Seidler is confined to a wheelchair and uses the monkey to help him open doors ,pick things up, and enslave the human race.
But Romano's grandmother, Helene "Ray" Romano, said the burning was unprovoked.
"I'm walking into the freakin' Irregular Food store, and the next thing I know, my freakin' grandson is like, 'Grandma, Grandma it freakin' burns!' And I'm looking around and I see freakin' lasers coming out of this monkey's freakin' eyes," she said.
It is illegal to keep monkeys as pets in New York City, but permits are given for those trained in domestic aid and world domination.
Sunday, August 15, 2004
Iraqi Athletes Experiencing Performance Anxiety
by Olympic Correspondent Brad C. Hodson III, esq.
August 2004, Athens, Greece- Iraqi Olympic hopefuls are experiencing performance anxiety due to a lack of torture and possible death. "For the last several Olympic games, Iraqi athletes had become used to performing at the heights of their ability," says Iraqi Olympic Minister Abdul al-Sharif. "The athletes no longer have Sadam Hussein's encouragment to spur them on. It is amazing what heights of achievement one can reach when having his nipples electrocuted or being threatened with castration."
While training in the Athens heat for their upcoming game against Paraguay, Iraqi Soccer Team Captain Haqim ibn Lazar openly expressed his doubts. "We're doing the best we can," the twenty four year old athlete said. "But it's very difficult to dig deep inside yourself without the aid of a razor sharp meat hook. Former President Hussein was a great source of inspiration for us. I don't know how we're going to beat Paraguay with none of our team members being dead."
If this trend continues, the 2004 Olympic committee has made the ruling that Iraqi athletes may be replaced with American troops.
by Olympic Correspondent Brad C. Hodson III, esq.
August 2004, Athens, Greece- Iraqi Olympic hopefuls are experiencing performance anxiety due to a lack of torture and possible death. "For the last several Olympic games, Iraqi athletes had become used to performing at the heights of their ability," says Iraqi Olympic Minister Abdul al-Sharif. "The athletes no longer have Sadam Hussein's encouragment to spur them on. It is amazing what heights of achievement one can reach when having his nipples electrocuted or being threatened with castration."
While training in the Athens heat for their upcoming game against Paraguay, Iraqi Soccer Team Captain Haqim ibn Lazar openly expressed his doubts. "We're doing the best we can," the twenty four year old athlete said. "But it's very difficult to dig deep inside yourself without the aid of a razor sharp meat hook. Former President Hussein was a great source of inspiration for us. I don't know how we're going to beat Paraguay with none of our team members being dead."
If this trend continues, the 2004 Olympic committee has made the ruling that Iraqi athletes may be replaced with American troops.
Friday, August 13, 2004
HAMSTERS AGAINST KERRY
By Dan Burt, TII Political Correspondent
CAPE COD, Mass. (TII) - This week, three hamsters launched a campaign against Kerry, saying the truth must be heard concerning Kerry's "heroic" rescue of their friend, Licorice.
The three hamsters--Harry, Herby, and Floyd--all said that it was a shame that Kerry was trying to capitalize politically at their friend's expense.
When asked how long they were friends with Licorice, Harry and Herby said they had never actually met Licorice but believed they were in pet stores in the U.S. at the same time as their close friend. Floyd said he regularly made posts to a bulletin board that featured the Licorice story. None of them was present at the time of the incident.
Herby said the rescue was not as difficult as described by Kerry's daughter, Alexandra. "Licorice fell into waist-deep water," Herby said. "I'm talking waist-deep to me. Kerry only had to bend over and pick him up."
Harry said that the hamster CPR story was fabricated. "Come on, he didn't give CPR to a hamster," Harry said. "That's like saying you smoked pot but didn't inhale. Licorice was just temporarily stunned. Kerry didn't know hamster CPR. He just shook him like a crying baby. That's probably why Licorice wasn't quite right after Kerry got through with him."
Floyd tended to agree. "Yeah, Licorice was messed up after the incident," Floyd said. "I know the others may not agree, but I know my friend. I think Licorice may have been a little whacked before the fall."
By Dan Burt, TII Political CorrespondentCAPE COD, Mass. (TII) - This week, three hamsters launched a campaign against Kerry, saying the truth must be heard concerning Kerry's "heroic" rescue of their friend, Licorice.
The three hamsters--Harry, Herby, and Floyd--all said that it was a shame that Kerry was trying to capitalize politically at their friend's expense.
When asked how long they were friends with Licorice, Harry and Herby said they had never actually met Licorice but believed they were in pet stores in the U.S. at the same time as their close friend. Floyd said he regularly made posts to a bulletin board that featured the Licorice story. None of them was present at the time of the incident.
Herby said the rescue was not as difficult as described by Kerry's daughter, Alexandra. "Licorice fell into waist-deep water," Herby said. "I'm talking waist-deep to me. Kerry only had to bend over and pick him up."
Harry said that the hamster CPR story was fabricated. "Come on, he didn't give CPR to a hamster," Harry said. "That's like saying you smoked pot but didn't inhale. Licorice was just temporarily stunned. Kerry didn't know hamster CPR. He just shook him like a crying baby. That's probably why Licorice wasn't quite right after Kerry got through with him."
Floyd tended to agree. "Yeah, Licorice was messed up after the incident," Floyd said. "I know the others may not agree, but I know my friend. I think Licorice may have been a little whacked before the fall."
Thursday, August 12, 2004
FOX Announces Exclusive Rights to Broadcast the Presidential Election
New Show American President Scheduled to Bow During Sweeps Week 
By Dan Burt, TII Political Correspondent
Hollywood, California (TII) – FOX Broadcasting announced today the network has secured exclusive rights from the United States Government to telecast the Presidential election. The President of the United States will be elected in a new show called American President.
American President is based on the popular FOX show American Idol. But instead of selecting America’s next singing sensation, viewers will be given a chance to vote for the next American President.
American President will retain many of the same features as American Idol. As with Idol, contestants (candidates) have an age restriction -- 16-24 years old for Idol, over 35 years old for President. American President will also feature a panel of judges that will critique each candidate’s performance. The judges for the new show will be members of the Supreme Court and a surprise celebrity judge. After the show, viewers will be able to vote for their favorite candidate by using a touch-tone phone.
This is not the first time the Supreme Court has been called upon to participate in the Presidential election process. The 2000 election debacle prompted Congress to bypass the Constitution and pass sweeping changes in election reform. The new laws are an attempt to avoid the situation in 2000 whereby President Bush actually lost the election before the Supreme Court rectified the mistake.
FOX executives hope the show helps to rectify the problem of voter apathy. "Now voters can vote from the comfort of their homes," said an anonymous executive. "It is the duty of every patriotic American to watch this show and to patronize our sponsors Coca-Cola, Ford and Sears."
On election night, NBC programming will counter with alternating episodes of Fear Factor and Law and Order. CBS will offer coverage of some of the local political races and a special 6-hour episode of Survivor. ABC will broadcast the Emergency Broadcasting System screen—the old one featuring the American Indian head.
By Dan Burt, TII Political Correspondent
Hollywood, California (TII) – FOX Broadcasting announced today the network has secured exclusive rights from the United States Government to telecast the Presidential election. The President of the United States will be elected in a new show called American President.
American President is based on the popular FOX show American Idol. But instead of selecting America’s next singing sensation, viewers will be given a chance to vote for the next American President.
American President will retain many of the same features as American Idol. As with Idol, contestants (candidates) have an age restriction -- 16-24 years old for Idol, over 35 years old for President. American President will also feature a panel of judges that will critique each candidate’s performance. The judges for the new show will be members of the Supreme Court and a surprise celebrity judge. After the show, viewers will be able to vote for their favorite candidate by using a touch-tone phone.
This is not the first time the Supreme Court has been called upon to participate in the Presidential election process. The 2000 election debacle prompted Congress to bypass the Constitution and pass sweeping changes in election reform. The new laws are an attempt to avoid the situation in 2000 whereby President Bush actually lost the election before the Supreme Court rectified the mistake.
FOX executives hope the show helps to rectify the problem of voter apathy. "Now voters can vote from the comfort of their homes," said an anonymous executive. "It is the duty of every patriotic American to watch this show and to patronize our sponsors Coca-Cola, Ford and Sears."
On election night, NBC programming will counter with alternating episodes of Fear Factor and Law and Order. CBS will offer coverage of some of the local political races and a special 6-hour episode of Survivor. ABC will broadcast the Emergency Broadcasting System screen—the old one featuring the American Indian head.