Wow. This is one of the most insanely stupid letters that I think we've ever recieved. I pulled some strings with "The Hot Girls" to get them to let me answer it. Where to begin? Let's take it step by step...
Quote: "Hello, My name is Marc-Antoine and i live in canada"
Well, right there we know this guy is a winner. Capitalization mistakes aside, Marc-Antoine is not even a remotely hardcore name. And Canada? Definitely not hardcore.
Quote: "FIRST OF ALL id like to say that what you "HOT GURLZ" (MY ASS) are saying is NOT FAIR AND COULD HURT PEOPLE!"
Did you miss that this is a humor site? I guess it's confusing, what with the "Happy Nowhere: Sketch Comedy on the Edge" tag and everything. I suppose that news stories like "Monkey Ignites Toddler With Laser Eyes" and articles about needing a Throne of Skulls (TM) may be a little bewildering to our northern brothers. I guess monkeys with lasers for eyes roam the Canadian suburbs constantly killing children. I suppose the videos about flesh eating government mutants and Homitrol could be construed as documentaries by someone with the cognitive powers of a three toed sloth. Congratulations, Oppenheimer! Your genius has inspired us all!
Quote: "I'm a computer wiz, i know a lot about computer and shit, I could pass like a nerd but i dont give a fuck!"
Well, obviously you do or you wouldn't be writing us, now would you?
Quote: " I get HOT CHICK (that means hotter than you fat bitches!)."
Does this sentence even mean anything? The grammar here is so non-existent as to confuse George W. Bush. Do you mean that you get hot girls? Well, bully for you! We're glad. However, I have been to Canada and can say from experience that hot girls do not exist there. It's a violation of Parlimentary Law 17-12B, which states: "All Canadians will henceforth be, computer whizzes who know alot about computers and shit and could pass for nerds but don't give a fuck." The law then goes on to state that, and I quote: "Said Canadians will have no social outlets and will spend a majority of their time getting way too worked up over comedy internet sites which they will then feel they must write an incoherent and utterly inspid diatribe to, so that said website may post their e-mail for the amusement of millions." And as for "fat bitches?" Well, as we can tell by Cindy's double chins and Shannon's cheeks that take up the entire screen, he has very much hit the nail on the proverbial head. Good job, Gaston!
Quote: " I think Ask a HOT girl should be changed to ask a stupid gurl that think shes hot! BTW ALL THE GUYZ THAT ARE READING THIS, ASKING A GURL ABOUT HOW TO SEDUICE AN OTHER IS NOT RECOMMANDED! later ugly gurlz, since you are very ugly... hot chick my ass!"
Well, most people who write us have enough brain cells to realize that this is a humor website. I'm sorry that you do not number among the rest of the self-aware free world, Pierre, but sometimes the gene pool runs too shallow. Perhaps with your third nipple and flipper arms, you can guilt trip a prostitute into giving you the hand job you so obviously need, but I doubt that even "pity masturbation" can ease the bitterness that you feel toward those of us who enjoy our lives and like to laugh. I understand why you're so angry. Obviously, a hot girl has recently broken your heart and this is your sad, pathetic little way to get revenge. Brilliant idea, Jean-Paul! I suppose I should write an angry e-mail to Saturn since someone broke into my car and stole my stereo last week. Obviously, Saturn is staffed with nothing but stupid fat bitches whose cars only serve to attract hoodlums looking to buy some crack rock. Your inspiration has set me on the right path. Thanks a bunch, Robespierre!
I would now like to take the time to congatulate him on his creative use of the English language. Words like "gurl," guyz," "seduice," and "recommanded" are very creative, in a "I'm a thirteen year old girl who just discovered the interent" kind of way. The rest of us, who have been reading and writing for years, would have never thought of using such innovative spellings as these. And the grammar! I am awe struck by your marvelous manipulation of grammar! Obviously, the Canadian school systems impart secret knowledge that the rest of the world is unfortunately missing out on.
Thanks for writing us Marc-Antoine. Your letter is the funniest thing that I've read all day. I hope that you finally get laid every, very soon!
Brad C. Hodson
P.S.- Whining is most decidedly not HARDCORE.
posted on 1:20 PM
Sunday, May 16, 2004
I Need A Throne of Skulls
By Brad C. Hodson
I need a throne of skulls. It's that obvious. How is a man of my temperament supposed to operate in this day and age without a throne of skulls? It's ridiculous to think that I could be the successful freelance writer that I am without having a throne of skulls, but somehow I've done it. The question is: how long can I keep this up without a throne of skulls?
My wife disagrees. She thinks that a throne of skulls is both disgusting and tacky, not to mention that it would cause her to constantly feel fear in my presence. Dammit, woman, that's the idea! Don't you get it? A man with a throne of skulls is a man who's not to be trifled with. Throne of skulls equals power. Donald Trump has one, as does George Bush, Sr. John Kerry doesn't, but he's looking into it.
People ask me: "Does it have to be human skulls?" Of course it does! What kind of a fool would I look like sitting on a throne of cat skulls or fish skulls? Who would take me seriously then? No one, that's who. At least not without a throne of human skulls, they wouldn't.
Don't worry. They'll be cleaned of flesh and bleached in the sun. I know what I'm doing. I'll stack them into a large throne and cover the seat with a cloak made from the faces of rapists and murderers. There will be two skulls on each side of my head with their mouths open, blood pouring down into bloody rivers that flow down each side of a red carpet to the door of my office, where two torches light the way and a water cooler sits. Very posh! This is how business gets done.
I bet we wouldn't be driving a Saturn if we had a throne of skulls. We'd definitely get invited to more parties. Why can't my wife see this? I keep telling her that it doesn't have to be the skulls of anyone we know, but she doesn't seem to understand. I even made the compromise that they could all be the skulls of our dearest enemies. She doesn't budge. Once, after a very harsh argument over the subject, I even suggested that I would buy one already assembled. Still, no throne.
I could get so much more writing done on a throne of skulls. Sitting on the heads of forty men really gets the words flowing. My office chair just isn't doing it anymore. Sure, it's ergonomic, but what the hell does that mean, anyway? Not as much as a throne of skulls, I'd bet.
Maybe I'll get it for Christmas this year. I'm definitely going to ask for it.
posted on 11:35 AM