July 2004 Hardcore Modern Man is...
LANCE ARMSTRONG!

Do I even need to tell you about this crazy fucker? Not only did he win the Tour de France like twenty times in a row, he kicked cancer's ass! Cancer, man! CANCER! He beat the tar out of it and sent it home crying to mommy! And this was before he won the Tour de France!
I mean, cancer! C'mon!
Plus, I think it's absolutely hilarious that the most arrogant and least hardcore country, who hates our guts, would have their signature sporting event won by an American. And a Texan, no less! YEE-FUCKIN'-HAW!

This Month's Hardcore Men of History...
THE 300 SPARTANS!
Here's some crazy bastards for you. Okay, Xerxes, the Persian king, decided he wanted Greece. So he sends an army of ONE MILLION MEN to take Hellas. The Greeks needed time to mobilize. The Spartans decided that they would send a regimen of THREE HUNDRED MEN to hold off Xerxes' army for a few days. Okay, look at these numbers again. One million vs. 300. Sounds crazy? Yep, sure does. Sounds hardcore? You bet your frickin' arse it does!
So, the Spartans find a pass called Thermopylae, an small area between a cliff and the sea that was only like 10 dudes wide. Xerxes comes up with his 1 million men and sees this shit and just starts rollin' on the ground, laughing his Persian ass off. He sends his first wave of 1000 men to kill the Spartans. THEY ALL DIE. The Spartans kill them to a man. "Oh, shit." Xerxes thinks. "These dudes are crazy." So he sends 2000 men. THEY ALL DIE. This scenario repeats itself for about a week, until Xerxes' Immortal Guard (a group of 10,000 expertley trained warriors) find a way to get behind the Spartans. All of the Spartans die. Every last one. But, total, they must have killed like 12,000 Persians.
This bought the Greeks time to get a game plan together. They eventually defeated the Persians and secured the beginnings of Western Democracy, all because the Spartans were friggin' Hardcore (that was with a capitol "H" in case you missed it).
That's why they're this month's Hardcore Men of History!
posted on 1:50 PM

Saturday, May 15, 2004

 
Okay, so I haven't had a Hardcore Man of the Month in a couple of months, but there aren't that many hardcore people out there today. Or, at least, that's what I thought until I read about this kid...

This Month's Hardcore Modern Man is...
THE ANONYMOUS TEENAGER WHO FOUGHT OFF A BEAR!!!

Okay. Peep this: a 15 year old boy is asleep in his tent in Anchorage, Alaska when a 400lb bear thinks that this kid would make a good dinner. The kid wakes up to find this bear latched onto his arm. This doesn't seem like a good situation, does it?

Well, this kid doesn't just roll over and say "Here's some sushi." Nor does he scream and cry and wet his little teenager panties. Nope. This kid fights back.

BAM! BAM! BAM! His little fifteen year old fists slam into the nose of the bear with a strength that would have shattered the nose of any one of his classmates. The bear, however, whethered the initial storm and renewed his attack, this time biting into the boy's ribs. The boy stared the predator in the eyes and decided that the bear wasn't going to have him that easily. He hit him with a second assault of flying fists, driving the bear back and out of his tent. The boy tried to run, but the bear chased him around some trees. The boy managed to get his airhorn out of his backpack just as the bear fell on him one final time. The boy blew the airhorn into the bear's muzzle, driving him back. The bear finally turned and ran away after counselors blasted her with pepper spray and fired a flare at her feet.

"I think he is the biggest, baddest thing in the woods. He punched the bear," said Steve Prysunka, director of the six-week "Crossing Wilderness Expeditions for Youth" program.

I think the last person I heard of fighting a bear was either Ted Nugent or Matthew McConaughey, neither of which are 15 year old boys (I think). Kudos to this kid. Way to keep it hard!

And now, another bear story...
This Month's Hardcore Man of History is...
THAT CRAZY GUY THAT CRAWLED 100 MILES!

Okay, saw this on the History Channel one day. There was this pioneer guy in the nineteenth century who was panning for gold in the Rockies when he was attacked by a Grizzly Bear. The bear shredded his back like a meat grinder with its six inch, razor sharp claws. After carving the guy up like a Thanksgiving turkey, the bear trots off and leaves the guy alone. He was clearly going to bleed to death. What's worse was the infection that set into his wounds in the wake of the bear's attack. He sat there for days, debating over what to do. Finally, he decided that a slow, creeping death just wasn't an option.

He crawls over to a wet log and rolls it over to find it crawling, ABSOLUTELY CRAWLING, with maggots. He takes a deep breath and flops onto it, letting the maggots eat away the infection. Just imagine how that felt for a moment: these little, slimy maggots crawling around in your open wounds, probably crawling under your skin, eating whatever they can find. Bet he threw up all over himself. Maggots probably ate that, too.

After he felt that the infection was eaten away, he began heading home. Problem was, home was over one hundred miles away and was the closest sign of civilization. So, this guy sucks it up and starts crawling. He crawled over 100 hundred miles, subsisting off of a diet of grub worms and grasses, sipping water from muddy holes along the way. Finally, he makes it to town.

Course, he dies shortly after getting there. But the point is, HE MADE IT. That's why he's this month's Hardcore Man of History!

ADDENDUM: Shortly after posting this, our webmaster (the infallible Rusty Butler) e-mailed me this story- KID FIGHTS GATOR - about a kid who fought off an alligator. Him and the bear kid should get together and trade tips.
posted on 7:10 PM